Monday, April 23, 2007

Oh Snap! How to Spot a Female Impersonator

Laylah: I just don't know where to start with this one. I'll say that, overall you can tell a crossAVer by their body type. Men see women in a series of features as they differ from their own. Hair, tits, and hips.
JellyBean: Serious mental issues guys. Is it cause your mommy didn't hug you as much as you wanted?
Laylah: So, the easiest way to spot one is, obviously, to note these things. In the first picture you see the massive hips and the small waist. This is very common, as is the huge (and badly done) tattoo .. or are those panties? Either way, it's an overly fem icon, as if to say "Look at me, I am a pretty girl. I like butterflies."
JellyBean: Really I think the crossAVers just want to feel themselves up or look at themselves naked. I don't think in most cases it's to attract the opposite AV sex. If it is, ewww! you sickos.
Laylah: Real women do not feel the need to announce their gender in such garish ways. This person might as well be wearing a sign around their neck reading, "Hi, my name is Tom McFatass and I live in my mother's basement."

Laylah: As we travel up the body you will see just how small that waist is compared to the giant missiles attached to this person's chest. Now, far be it for me to tell you big boobs are bad, Hell, I'm known as 'Bewbs'... But the fact remains, these boobs are massively over sized and the curves aren't really curves at all; more like cliffs.
JellyBean: Cliffs? Are you kidding me? These are hot air balloons or air bags. Very very useful in case of a face plant into a sidewalk. They could possibly save his/her life.


Laylah: Lastly, we have the face. Usually square-jawed, as men don't pay too much attention to this. I wish it were simple enough as looking for an Adam's apple! Instead, we get the hair. Sometimes overly fem, usually just badly done. CrossAVers seem to be texture-blind when it comes to hair - at least this one is. Lets not forget the fact that the hair does not suit the face... and is badly aligned.
JellyBean: Do men ever line their hair up right? Nah, not really. I think it's more buy & wear - hope for the best for most. But yes, this very bad hair for a toothpick of an av with air bags & wide hips.

Oh, Snap!
An MG Blawg Post Series with Laylah & JellyBean. Two views on fashion, faces, and unfortunates combined into one general consensus.

13 comments:

A. Burgess said...

Thank you for continuing this public service--Oh, Snap! is required reading for Tuesday mornings. Of course, this current installment could also be seen as a primer to aid deceptive crossdressers...

Tiana Meriman said...

i love oh snap, great work again! although i think theres more details to look at and i think most crossAVer would work more on their avie then the one in the pics, its a good start to spot them but then again maybe its really just a girl that has trouble with her sliders.

i saw a lot of girls have huge breast in sl because they were rather flat irl and for the tattoo located there. i think whores have tattoo there too.

so yeah i think it was a really funny post but i think if someone was to judge a person by those criterias they have to be really careful ^^

Laylah said...

Wanna get down, wanna do the dog ... Wanna touch his flesh rocket but know you're not his type?!

SL Mean Girls - Helping CrossAVers Everywhere! Now you too can fool your way into a guy's pixel-pants!

This reminds me of the Tucker Max story "The Most Disturbing Conversation Ever" Let me show you what I mean:

[For story setting, Tucker is in a gay bar talking with some guys. Tucker is not gay.]
--------------------------
Him "I bet you've slept with a man."
Tucker "Alright, come on man -- I invented Tucker Max Drunk, but not even Tucker Max Drunk makes you switch teams."
Him "How many women have you been with?"
Tucker "I don't know, somewhere in the low three digits."
Him "Oh yeah, I bet you've fucked a man."
Tucker [Getting obviously frustrated] "How??"
Him "I have three words for you: Post Op Transsexual."

It took a few seconds for the full meaning and signifigance of that statement to filter through my drunken brain.

Tucker "What? Get the fuck out of here. I've never fucked one of those."
Him "You wouldn't know."
-------------------------

And it goes on,(to become more hilarious than you can imagine if you don't know Tucker Max) but my point is - You would't know. Some people go through the pixel equilivent of Post-Op Trans with those sliders and you really CAN'T tell. Some of those men look better than me.

This is a parody of one look, burning one person for looking like the stereotypical crossAVer.

Not only would we not have enough time to write down all the ways you could tell one from the other, but we also can't guarantee that it will be that way. Like you said, Tiana - "[...]maybe its really just a girl that has trouble with her sliders." And so, maybe it is.. but the fact that we think she looks like a crossAVer makes it funny.

This is in no way intended to be a fool-proof how-to, and is for entertainment only. Do not place in or near cribs and keep out of direct sunlight.

Also, boys, a good rule of thumb: Assume everyone is a man until you have proof. IE webcam, not photo. It'll save you alot of sleepless nights wondering if you've...


( www.tuckermax.com but I don't think you'll find the disturbing conversation story on there.. it's from his book "I Hope They Serve Beer In Hell" which I highly recommend - this book had me laughing so hard I nearly wet myself. )

Laylah said...

I've just looked and the website and the conversation IS on there (so I typed it out for no reason, yay me.) but you should still buy the book.

JerryL said...

Funny post... here's my .02 cents:

I've dj'd at several brothels and stripclubs. I can't say for sure, but I'd be willing to bet that there were guys behind some of the female AV escorts. I have to report that I honestly have NEVER heard about anyone turning an escort down because they couldn't verify their gender. This suggests that some of the johns are dumb, but I think that even more of them just really don't care. And when you look at the hordes of fun loving crazies clogging up the public sex areas, I think a lot of people want to play first, and worry about verifiying gender later - much later - if ever.

One other thing: I've noticed that articles about gender bending on sl never mention how to detect females playing males. By never bringing it up, the implication is that only men are weirdos enough, I guess, to play the opposite gender and that women never do it. Or something. It makes me wonder, is it somehow worse for a guy to have cybersex with a guy pretending to be a girl than it is for a girl to have cybersex with a girl pretending to be a guy? Seems like a phobia of male homosexuality is lurking around in this subtext somewhere.

In the end (so to speak), I think I'm with the johns and the public sex types who play first and never worry about gender verification - it's really only a problem if you're looking for an rl relationship. Personally, I think the biggest problem with cybering on sl isn't people trying on the opposite gender, it's that most people suck at cybersex, and that cybersex is almost always a pale imitation of the real thing... but that's another topic, I guess.

Tiana Meriman said...

"Also, boys, a good rule of thumb: Assume everyone is a man until you have proof. IE webcam, not photo. It'll save you alot of sleepless nights wondering if you've..."

this is a good rule hehe or you can alss try not to bang everything that has boobs! lol

but yes indeed this is a humorous look on it and should be take lightly (although the mean girls have a good point hehe)

i thought jerryl made a good point. how do you you know if a girl is playing a male? i thinks its probably even more tough to spot. since girls always pay more attention to details

♥ JellyBean ♥ said...

SL statistics [somewhere] I am sure that I have read that a lot of the "female" population is played by men on the other side of the monitor. Although, that is a good point of females possibly playing males but I just don't hear about it often, if at all. Seriously Aka & I have been in SL going on 3 years and I know I have never known of, heard of, or met a woman playing a male av. If someone knows of one, please pass me a name. That'd be one killer interview.

There was a case I know of that happened in TSO, where a girl, hell let's put her name out there, Kyrie Pendragon was in love with what she thought was a guy & they were to be TSO married, but it turned out to be a girl. Kyrie was devastated. So it is possible in SL also. Just never talked about probably because it's just not heard of.

Also, show of hands here... How many female avs out there turn out to be guys and their first name is in lower case? Oh oh! Ponder that! :p

Laylah said...

"Seriously Aka & I have been in SL going on 3 years and I know I have never known of, heard of, or met a woman playing a male av. If someone knows of one, please pass me a name. That'd be one killer interview."

Oh oh, I know one Jells! I'll pass you her name when I see you tonight.

♥ JellyBean ♥ said...

BOOYAH! Hells yesh! Have I told you lately how much you make me wanna Lala? *licks the tip of ya nose*

Tiana Meriman said...

prokofy neva is a girl that plays a male avie if i am not mistaking and she's even quite known in sl for her blog "second thoughts"

♥ JellyBean ♥ said...

Oh I know who that is. Didn't know it was a girl though. Wow! Color me naive.

Ann said...

Maybe s/he actually bought that shape. Check this:

http://amarassecondlife.blogspot.com/

*shudder*

♥ JellyBean ♥ said...

OMG Ann! Good point! Great find too! Hmmm I can honestly say I'm speechless. :/