Thursday, February 14, 2008

She Said (She Said) - Valentine's Day

Hate Valentine's Day as much as I do?

I know you do! It's a trumped up holiday. In fact I recently ran a poll on my personal blog. 39% of women polled were looking forward to it, while the other 61% were ready to make it stop!

"But, hey, aren't you with the most fantastic guy in all of SL Jelly?" Um... well... Yes, yes I am, but that doesn't mean that I haven't always hated Vday.

You're missing the point... love isn't a one-day a year event, sponsored by Hallmark, Hershey's Kisses, and the American Florists Association! If you can't show someone you love them the other 364, then what's the point?

And why should everyone who doesn't feel like being all lovey-dovey have to deal with your big mushy red hearts, kissy fishy faces, "I love you" shoutage from highest hilltops, and gaggy sweet-talk for an entire day - in February, no less! Are you trying to increase America's suicide rate?

Steak & Blow-job day. It's a day for him to buy flowers that'll die in 3 days and dinner...and you spend the evening on your knees giving head. "Nay," I say. Nay to this year being spent in the same "assume position".

Here's a JellyBean quick guide to surviving Feb. 14 without shooting *everyone* in your path with your badass glocks.

-Wear black, and lots of it. In fact there are so many anti-Valentine's day shirts, some are even 1L, go buy one of those.

-If someone else in the same sim has received flowers, chocolate, singing telegrams, and other forms of dating expressions, glare at them. Snarling and grunting optional.

-Same goes for anyone wearing excessive amounts of red. Especially if they are wearing heart-shaped items like pins, head bobbers, bling, etc.

-Later in the day, pretend to eat the chocolate, run the flowers through a food processor, and for realsies beat the crap out of and/or shoot the singing telegram people. (Most people will thank you for this, anyway).

-For the rest of the day, pout over the fact that you really want chocolate now.

-Return to your home and destroy at least one item given to you by an ex from your inventory (ya know you kept something). Delete it, purge your trash bin. Feel guilty. IM the ex. Make up story about having a hot date.

-Log out. Watch TV. Turn off TV after noticing every channel is airing a clone of "While You Were Sleeping," "Titanic," or, worse yet, a "Friends" Valentine's Day.

-Realize how lame not having a hot date is. Log back in. Go to the nearest "free-sex" area.

-Boink a random someone - male or female - with way too much facial hair... or Ruth'd for that matter.

-Delete their card if you were actually stupid enough to trade with them. Remember (and regret) this incident for the next 364 days. Complain about never having a good V-Day.

-Wait until some bizarre calendar date Hallmark has labeled "Sweetest Day." Rinse, lather, repeat to get in practice for next V-Day.

As for Cupid... I mean really, a naked baby with wings shooting arrows at people? More creative things have been created by bad acid!

To sum it up, Valentine's Day is yearly added stress that takes an additional 3 to 4 years off your life expectancy, as if re'ships, virtual or otherwise weren't tough enough to begin with.

Note: If "Titanic" is on, it can be therapeutic. But only if you only watch the part where Leonardo DiCaprio sinks like a big, wet, adorable, lead anvil to the bottom of the North Atlantic! Same goes for the end of "Romeo + Juliet."

I think that says it all. :)

Sheer Cupidity

Giving much thought to the words of a well-known close friend and all-around wise pixel, I decided this year that I would embrace Valentine's Day. I had a sort of epiphany about many year's of hating, dreading, or attempting to ignore this day and what it has gotten me in the past. Not much. No matter how much you decree it as just another day, or stupid commercial holiday, blah blah blah... I swear by the end of the day you end up feeling let down or pissed off at some imaginary slight. Doesn't matter if you have reason to have expectations or not... at the end of the day, SOMEONE will have disappointed you. Why? Well because it exists. Recognize that the day is coming and that it won't EVER EVER go away... there's too much money to be made. And though that might sound cynical, really it just takes a teensy flip in attitude to make this black holiday just a lil more pink and red :) That being said, here are some of my tips to help you embrace the day and let out your inner cupid (or at the very least, make the most of a day that has planted itself and won't ever die)...

-Cupid is not to be feared. If you have issues with him and what he represents, try instead to see him as the future prim child you and your soulmate will lovingly bring into the world.. Awww

-At night before you go to bed, ask Cupid to bring you sex, or chocolate

-Pass an object labeled as "Be My Valentine from [insert your name here]" that when rezzed turns out to be a gazillion wiggling pink and green HUGE prims with physics on... to your friends when they are, say, shopping in a crowded sim or playing Tringo

-IM every hawt guy on your friend's list and ask them where you can find a diaper... like pulling out a hair when you've banged up your elbow distracts you from the pain, the mortal embarrassment of this will distract you from your bleeding heart

-WEAR red! I recommend that always anyhow, but just go with it. And by all means, be fashionable about it! Dammit!

-Cheese it up... get poofers and hearts and barfy stuff in general and just plaster wherever you are with them... if they're laughing, chances are they won't be all boofriggenhoo'ing

-Wear hearts. Yup, goofy stockings, prims on your face, specialty vday skins... if you got it wear it. Then you can blame your lack of 'someone special' on the fact that you look like a complete nerd... wait, I'm supposed to be pro-vday, I forget. Plus, you can get some use out of all those freebies you've been scavenging for... don't lie, we're all freebie whores.

-Teach your children while they're young that Romeo & Juliet has been celebrated as the great romantic love story for long enough. It's time to reveal the truth which is that it is a wordy tale about a couple of emo kids with too much time on their hands.

-Open up an IM and send a heart to everyone one your friends list. (Tip: right-click your Calling Cards folder in your inventory and click on Start Conference...) No need to personalize this.

-Get on with teh secks. Expecting spectacular sex on Valentines day is a roadmap for disaster. I have to agree with Jelly here. Get an alt if you have to... get to a "free sex" sim STAT and just dive in. The groups and missing image n00bs are only intimidating for the first few minutes (or so I've heard). Will it be spectacular? No. The real question is... Will it live up to your expectations? MOST LIKELY! Prolly won't wind you up all that much but pointing and laughing is a better use of your time than pouting.

-February 14th a.k.a Valentines Day is a real live day on the official calendar and all. Pretending it's like Feb. 13th or 15th is just... well... kinda delusional. No amount of "it's just another day" or "a thursday that's all" is going to magically make Vday like the 13th floor of a high rise that just doesn't exist.

-Start a holiday tradition. Make a game of sorting all the inappropriate candy hearts from the rest of them. These days you could earn a stalker from hell or the hate of all the kids' parents at school because you allowed little Sally Sue to give out hearts that say "I want you", "Lick Me", or "Be My Soulmate".

-364 days a year you do your best. This one day, focus on making it count. Just in case you slip up during the year, this is a fail safe way to remind those close to you that they matter... Today at the very least if not everyday.

It's the little things. Don't just make it just about that one and only person you care about. Reach out to those around you and try to surround yourself with people you'd do anything for... like dropping a happy face on them. You might find that this dreaded day is not so bad and that in the end you can smile or laugh creating better memories of the day that always comes. Wrap your arms around it and give it a big, wet, sugary kiss! Trust me, you'll thank me for it :D


HawksRock said...

/me prepares the steak, and says, hmmmph, we'll see about that!

Buckaroo Mu said...

No no, Jelly, March 14th is Steak and a Blowjob Day. Gotta keep them straight, you know (*rimshot).

Ciera Bergman said...

I agree and don't agree. Sure Valentine's Day is commercialized just like any other Holiday but...people who are haters just because someone else has a significant other (who yells from mountains, rooftops, and wherever else while yelling mushy I love yous) should just get over it. Being bitter isn't attractive; which may be part of the reason they don't have anyone showing them any affection.

I believe in karma. Be happy someone else is and happiness will find you.

theshadow said...

I like the Japanese Vday/whiteday combo myself... Girls give the guys candy on vday and guys give the girls gifts on whiteday.

Then again all the people I've wanted to give Valentine's to are other women... ^_^

Winter Jefferson said...

Ahhh.. I didn't see this post. Still so very relevant, though. Valentines was especially hard for me, as I am recovering from a shattered heart.
*dramatic, yet ruggedly masculine pose and sniffle*
All offers of sympathy sex will be taken on board, noted, and given a number in the queue.