Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Yep, another guide.

We've all been there. Stood in a shop, forming some sort of small puddle of drool and other bodily excretions. Gazing excitedly at a new pair of boots that you can't afford.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Well fear not, just spend a couple of hours on your back and you can buy the boots in seven different colours and still have money for a burgerking afterwards.

Or at least you'd think! I decided to check out one of the oldest professions in SL and get the lowdown on selling the pixelated dirty.

I decided early on I'd need a guide in my adventures, someone who knew the ropes. My Mum was unavailable so I had to settle for the love of my life, Tiernan Serpentine. She's been in SL four long years and has spent three of those face down on a mattress, so I figured she was my best bet.

Also, in order to get the inside line on the trade, a decided to shell out on the Escort Training Package by Mihai Antwerp. Inside I found a startlingly huge amount of note cards and freebies, well worth the 350L$. I donned on the recommended shape, skin, hair and clothes.

'kaaay.... With our own choice of whoring clothes back on we excitedly opened the first note card

Which men are best?
Men who pay for escorts tend to come in several categories:

* Men who are rich and espect good sex and lots of personal attention
* Men who see secondlife as just another pornsite and want and 'easy fuck'
* Men who hit on women too bluntly and scare them away
* Men who don't initiate talk with women, the very romantic and submissive ones

Which ones usually don't pay

* Men who flirt and talk easily with women
* One or two day old
newbies, because they always want to try get sex for free first
* Men which are succesfull in having a shop or club, they get many offers for girlfriends/sex anyway

All good so far. I grumblingly crossed DoC Eldritch and Philip Linden from my list of potential johns and we headed off to Amsterdam.

Which was empty save for a man on a bench and a few girls adding a few more inches to their tits. One of the girls spotted the man on the bench and leapt on him like a panther. Pfft.

So we went back to the notecards.

send all men an opening line. Look which ones reply and how they reply. Send them maybe one or two more lines to attract their attention. Aks if they have money only after a few lines. It will save you a lot of time dealing with broke timewasters or people that aren't into escorting anyway. If people avoid answering the question, usually they are broke: skip them. If they reply with "yes" they are a good target. Men that reply with 'plenty': those are the best ones! Ask those between 500-2000$ for a session.

Also skip men from Holland/the Netherlands, they hardly ever pa
y. Men from the USA usually pay most, after that the British/english.

And the all important pricelist. We went with the tariff for new escorts.

* pr
ices per half an hour
Lapdance - 20 L$
Striptease - 50L$
Jerking him off - 100 $L
Oral Sex - 200 L$
Fuck - 300 L$

We decided we needed to find somewhere more lively, and headed to one of the many places that offer freelance escorts a place to tout themselves.

Finally I got an IM

Random John: hi Kitty
Kitty Lalonde: Hi there!
Kitty Lalonde: How are you honey?
Random John: ok
Random John: a litle tired
Random John: and u ?
Kitty Lalonde: Very good thank you. I have to say yu don't look tired hehe
Random John: yeah
Random John: :) possible
Kitty Lalonde giggles

I figured there was no dice there.. Tie sent me an update as to her progress

Eager John: hi tiernan
Eager John: i need to be sucked real good by a horny nasty slut baby
Eager John: r u eager for that babe
Eager John: r u craving for big cocks fucking u up ur ass
Tiernan Serpentine: Hehe no but you should IM Kitty Lalonde!

Feeling utterly unattractive and having offloaded Tie into the nearest rubbish bin I continued on alone. It was getting late and I hadn't made a single linden. My retinas burning from garish textures and head hurting after all the HOOOOOOOOOS! I was ready to call it quits, until I got one final IM.

Excitable John: you're a hot little bitch!
Kitty Lalonde: Why thank you!
Excitable John: need to get raped?
Kitty Lalonde: Hehe, I'm still rezzing at the minute, ask me a bit later
Excitable John: ok

And so my illustrious career was over.

Anyone want to pay me for sex? My prices start at 5k an hour.


Tymmerie Thorne said...

Bravo!! Bravo!! Very good article! I am wiping away tears from laughing so hard.

Creamy Cooljoke said...

HAHAHA, you had me in stitches there, that was a beautiful insight into the seedy side of SL. Fact is, some of us are just not cut out for SL hookerism - thank fook for small mercies :))

To this day I have never understood why anyone would pay to see 2 cartoons have sex in SL and for someone to type 'ooh ooh ahhhh, baby your cock feels so good' (omg, I sound like a pro), surely they can just pop down to Hard Alley and get it for free.

Great blog girls !!

Tymmerie Thorne said...

Hard Alley, huh? (types this into search field...)

Liz Pinazzo said...

Omg absolutely hysterical. You had me in a total giggle fit.

Shenandoah Saintlouis said...

"Also skip men from Holland/the Netherlands, they hardly ever pay"

LMAO, they're either cheap or too down too earth for virtual sex!

Peed my pants reading this article!!

Orchid said...

We'll have to go hookin' together sometime. I think you just didn't wear enough bling.

We'll build ourselves some bling and let Tie round 'em up and see what kind of hooker corrale we can muster!

Kitty Lalonde said...

I'll bring the fags and fishnets!

Carissa said...


and to THINK you used to be an ANGEL!!

I'm laughing so hard I'm crying, although I must say "God help the man who DOES pay you for sex...poor creature..."

I'm sure he'd follow you around like a needy horndog, always begging for more.

kristianne matfield said...

*snorts* Oh good lord you cracked me up. I laughed out loud for a few minutes at the "competition was tough... very tough" thing... And I can NOT believe someone is selling a guide to hookering for $350L!

Ay yi yi...

Alaska Metropolitan said...

This is great :D

Caterin said...

Classy piece of reportage Kitty!